Conflict resolution is
an important soft-skill that everybody should learn. Whether you are
still in school or already working, conflict can happen and if you
cannot resolve it, you will experience stress that can lead to a lot of
problems later. There are two types of conflict: External conflict happens between you and others. For example, you do not agree on something with a friend, two of you argue and you are angry. Internal conflict happens within a person.
For example, you want to spend more time to study but by doing that you
cannot spend time with your girl friend. This situation creates an
internal conflict within yourself and makes you very unhappy. The
cause of external conflict is the view that you are right and the other
is wrong and you blame other for not agreeing with you. The cause of internal conflict is you want both things but do not know how to solve it so you blame yourself.
Resolving conflict requires you to control your emotions and do not react to it by arguing, screaming as it makes the matter worst. I often advise students when conflict happens they must avoid any confrontation by learning to control their emotion. They should say: “I need time to think about it so let us discuss the next time we meet.” or “Let us meet tomorrow to continue since I have another meeting that I must go to.” By avoid reacting and expressing emotion, they have more time to think about the conflict and be able to resolve it.
Most external conflicts start with differences in opinion, goal or view. Sometime it can cause by different in belief and value. The best way to resolve it is to understand these differences and try to get to a mutual agreement or compromise. To do that you must put aside your emotion, your opinion and willing to listen to other’s view without personal feeling or bias. This is not easy but if at least one person remains calm then the conflict can be avoided.
Conflict resolution requires you to practice your listening skill and communication skill. By carefully listen to the other person without bias; you may understand their view better. By clearly explain your view in a calm manner; they may understand you better too. By discuss the differences in calm and un-emotional, both sides may come up with a common understanding or “Middle ground” and continue to work toward a common goal. I often advise students to focus on “Fix the process, not the people.” If you do not agree with someone, both should work on the process that lead to the disagreement NOT the people. Sometime, they should compromise, which means at least one person giving up something to get something in return. For example, you give up your opinion and accept the other person’s view so both of you can work toward a common goal. It is important to recognize that this is NOT about right or wrong BUT about understand and acceptance. You understand the other person’s view and willing to accept it by give up your view. It does not mean you are wrong or you are weak. On the contrary, it means that you want to achieve something bigger than your own view. This act requires a lot of courage and maturity and is a positive strength of a person. It takes a great wisdom to listen to someone’s opposite position and objectively evaluate it without personal bias. For example, in software project, there are more than one solution to a problem but you are willing to accept another person’s solution to get the team moving forward rather than continue to argue on which solution is better. Compromise is the best way to get along and improve relationship. By keeping the project goal in focus rather than your own opinion, you keep the harmony within the team and are a good team member. Too often team members do not agree on something small then find themselves arguing which lead to larger and more controversial issues and wasting time. A team that can solve its own conflict is a great team that will achieve great things.
Many people believe that internal conflict is difficult to solve because it happens within a person. However, it is easier than you thought. In this situation the person is stressed by two things and do not know which one to choose. The first step is to set priority by determine which one is important and urgent. The second step is to list all possible solutions and scenarios. The third step is to balance this list by ask for second opinion to avoid personal bias before select the best solution. Sometime internal conflict is caused by misconception and personal bias rather than the fact.
Few months ago, a student in my class failed an exam. He admitted that he was stressed because he did not know how to divide the time between study for the exam and with his girl friend. He afraid if he studies too much, she could blame him for ignoring her. To him both study and relationship were equally important so he could not prioritize a solution. I told him that good solution did not have to be one or the other but can be both. I suggested that he discuss it with his girl friend to get a second opinion but he hesitated: “I cannot do that, if I told her that, she will be mad.” I explained that the conflict may not come from her but from his mind and his opinion of her. Since he was a good student, I was willing to give him a second chance to retake the exam few weeks later. He agreed to discuss it with his girl friend. To his surprise, the girl was not angry. She said: “I am disappointed that you have a wrong opinion of me. How could I blame you for study hard? If we want to build our future, we must do well in school. What kind of girl do you think I am? I would not want to see you suffer like this. You need to thank the Professor for giving you a second chance.” His conflict was solved in a minute and he admitted: “It was my fault for not explain it clearly but keep it inside based on my wrong view.”
Resolving conflict is an important skill but it requires a lot of time to develop. Sometime, it is necessary to understand that the root of the conflict may not be someone’s fault but you. It is your own ego, your view and your own misconception that cause the conflict. Since prevention is better than treatment, you may need to predict any possible conflict that could happen and try to prevent it rather than let it happen and try to solve it. The best solution is always remain calm in any situation and tries to listen to other. By learning to resolve conflict, you also practice your communication skills and listening skill too.
Resolving conflict requires you to control your emotions and do not react to it by arguing, screaming as it makes the matter worst. I often advise students when conflict happens they must avoid any confrontation by learning to control their emotion. They should say: “I need time to think about it so let us discuss the next time we meet.” or “Let us meet tomorrow to continue since I have another meeting that I must go to.” By avoid reacting and expressing emotion, they have more time to think about the conflict and be able to resolve it.
Most external conflicts start with differences in opinion, goal or view. Sometime it can cause by different in belief and value. The best way to resolve it is to understand these differences and try to get to a mutual agreement or compromise. To do that you must put aside your emotion, your opinion and willing to listen to other’s view without personal feeling or bias. This is not easy but if at least one person remains calm then the conflict can be avoided.
Conflict resolution requires you to practice your listening skill and communication skill. By carefully listen to the other person without bias; you may understand their view better. By clearly explain your view in a calm manner; they may understand you better too. By discuss the differences in calm and un-emotional, both sides may come up with a common understanding or “Middle ground” and continue to work toward a common goal. I often advise students to focus on “Fix the process, not the people.” If you do not agree with someone, both should work on the process that lead to the disagreement NOT the people. Sometime, they should compromise, which means at least one person giving up something to get something in return. For example, you give up your opinion and accept the other person’s view so both of you can work toward a common goal. It is important to recognize that this is NOT about right or wrong BUT about understand and acceptance. You understand the other person’s view and willing to accept it by give up your view. It does not mean you are wrong or you are weak. On the contrary, it means that you want to achieve something bigger than your own view. This act requires a lot of courage and maturity and is a positive strength of a person. It takes a great wisdom to listen to someone’s opposite position and objectively evaluate it without personal bias. For example, in software project, there are more than one solution to a problem but you are willing to accept another person’s solution to get the team moving forward rather than continue to argue on which solution is better. Compromise is the best way to get along and improve relationship. By keeping the project goal in focus rather than your own opinion, you keep the harmony within the team and are a good team member. Too often team members do not agree on something small then find themselves arguing which lead to larger and more controversial issues and wasting time. A team that can solve its own conflict is a great team that will achieve great things.
Many people believe that internal conflict is difficult to solve because it happens within a person. However, it is easier than you thought. In this situation the person is stressed by two things and do not know which one to choose. The first step is to set priority by determine which one is important and urgent. The second step is to list all possible solutions and scenarios. The third step is to balance this list by ask for second opinion to avoid personal bias before select the best solution. Sometime internal conflict is caused by misconception and personal bias rather than the fact.
Few months ago, a student in my class failed an exam. He admitted that he was stressed because he did not know how to divide the time between study for the exam and with his girl friend. He afraid if he studies too much, she could blame him for ignoring her. To him both study and relationship were equally important so he could not prioritize a solution. I told him that good solution did not have to be one or the other but can be both. I suggested that he discuss it with his girl friend to get a second opinion but he hesitated: “I cannot do that, if I told her that, she will be mad.” I explained that the conflict may not come from her but from his mind and his opinion of her. Since he was a good student, I was willing to give him a second chance to retake the exam few weeks later. He agreed to discuss it with his girl friend. To his surprise, the girl was not angry. She said: “I am disappointed that you have a wrong opinion of me. How could I blame you for study hard? If we want to build our future, we must do well in school. What kind of girl do you think I am? I would not want to see you suffer like this. You need to thank the Professor for giving you a second chance.” His conflict was solved in a minute and he admitted: “It was my fault for not explain it clearly but keep it inside based on my wrong view.”
Resolving conflict is an important skill but it requires a lot of time to develop. Sometime, it is necessary to understand that the root of the conflict may not be someone’s fault but you. It is your own ego, your view and your own misconception that cause the conflict. Since prevention is better than treatment, you may need to predict any possible conflict that could happen and try to prevent it rather than let it happen and try to solve it. The best solution is always remain calm in any situation and tries to listen to other. By learning to resolve conflict, you also practice your communication skills and listening skill too.
Prof John Vu
Carnegie Mellon University
Original source: http://www.segvn.org/forum/mvnforum/viewthread_thread,1410
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